The Always Present
When was the last time words hit you?
I'm a technician, programmer by trade. Words have always been difficult for me, dyslexic. Listening as well as writing and reading is extremely tiresome. Words that are not part of daily use hide the moment I need them. Need to ask my interlocutor for the words I want to tell. What you are currently reading is work of multiple hours. I’m alone even though people want to be with me as I fear the conversation. Thinking about telling my Mom that I love her feels like falling down a bottom less black pit. When you talk less, you have more time to think. Think about what happens around you, think about what other said to you. This not only comes with a positive. There is also the dark side, words that make you feel bad spin in my head. Not only words that I been told. Words that left my mouth or did not, but should have, are far worse.
When someone close to you does not talk much, he/she probably fears to fall, so hold him/her.
Many people might see words just as that, words. There is so much more to them. Its not just a meaning in a language to communicate. It matters who says it, who receives it, the situation the moment the words are spoken, the frequency and the pronunciation. Each word carries a universe of its own, with its arbitrary size, bright spots as well as dark corners. Words are non fungible.
I want to share words that matter to me.
I also see this as an experiment. What is the worth of words? It’s like the question of the worth of a human. Are you even allowed to put a price tag on it? When there is a value at all, then where? In the words? In the image that contains them? Or in the story behind?
This is my (experimental) story.
The Story Behind
“I Love You” … Words that everybody wants to hear at some point from a specific person. Probably in a different language, but that does not matter. The meaning of it is what we long for. I was supposed to say these words multiple times to different persons, but I did not. I could not. I fear the consequences of saying it. The words carry to much. “Trust” is another of these words, words that matter. “I Love You” builds on “Trust”. I don’t have trust. I tried multiple times to have it, but I got disappointed again and again. When you decide to walk the road, you should be aware that it forks, at least I’m horrible aware of this fact. One way leads to nearness, the other to distance. You don’t know which is which. You are not even allowed to decide. The person you say these words to decides. The road in between does not exist anymore at that point. Even though the road to nearness would be the one that we then walk together, there is the fear of being bound. To not be able to do what I want. To be forced to do things I don’t want to keep the person I decided for, the person I said it to. As much as I long for hearing it, I fear to say it. People say it to their parents/siblings/friends. I would never do that, as for me it involves the physical engagement.
Situation plays a big role in the meaning. In front of friends the value of the words is much bigger then in front of random people. The value also increases with the amount of people that witness the saying. Friends of mine married after 8 years. I heard them saying it to each other so often, easily coming over the lips. At their wedding, though, the value was so high, both barely made it. The feelings build up caused both of them to cry.
Do people even know what they say when they use these words? When was the last time you said it? How did you say it? Did you mean it, truly mean it?
These words suffer horribly from high frequency. If you are with a partner for a long time, how often do you say these words? I highly assume you do not say it the same way as you did the first time. They do not carry the passion, intimacy and intricacy they did once. Do you want to feel it again? Feel what you felt the first time? Then stop throwing the words around like garbage into a trash can. Don’t take it for granted to walk the road of nearness. Stop saying it for a while but do not stop to love your partner. Instead of saying it, just look your partner in the eye and remember the times you met. Remember your time together. Don’t just start saying it because your partner wants to hear it. Say it when you want to, when you truly mean it. Reduce the frequency to increase the value.
I hope you walk the road you want and not be clamped to the one I’m on.
